Incredible Gratitude Continued

Most of the past two weeks I have been not only celebrating the miracle of medication but now that I have emerged out of the black hole, I have been having overwhelming feelings of gratitude for those people around me classified as friends and the question of “what do I give back?”. I never feel it is enough or that my words just don’t cover how much I appreciate those around me when I can’t contribute anything or have been understanding during periods of “fierce attachments”

Recently, I have had the fortuitous joy of being awash in contacts with multiple friends – telephonically, electronically and even in person, whereby I had the opportunity to issue mawkish, albeit ab imo pectore expressions of gratitude to many for their love and loyalty – especially those embattled warriors who have held my heart when it was hurting and quieted my mind when it was writhing in pain on more than one occasion. To those who have figuratively picked me up off the floor and held me until I felt safe, others not so near who plied me with daily calls, chats and emails. “Are you okay?” is a sentence I am frequently asked. Am I okay – no, I am fucking out of mind most of the time.

I have been musing not only why do I deserve these jewels in my life, but how can I ever pay homage to their love, caring, constancy and loyalty with mere ineffective words without sounding mawkish. But here goes:

Julie – my steady constant with whom I feel the safest and who has abided hours of sobbing confessions, fears and hurts – she gives me the freedom to say the deepest darkest fears without trepidation as I spew out all the demons and pains in my brain, confessing that I just can’t take the pain anymore and want to stop it, and then she revives me and talks me into staying amongst the living when she says “you have always been my idol”. I will never forget that because it kept me hoping I had something to contribute to someone and I can’t disappoint my Julie.

By association with my love for Julie, I love whom she loves, her Chip who has also been a strong hold and makes me feel so good because he loves my cooking – “Just get in the car and get your butt up here, I’m hungry. I‘m having tabouli withdrawal”.  Julie’s comment – “The way to a Southern man’s heart is his stomach obviously” I truly love him and know he worries – I want him to know that I know. When he yells at me with his crazy old Savannah accent – it makes me feel loved. And I love cooking for them both.

Jimmy and Neil – what would I have done without being in their loving embraces and hospitality during the adjustment period to the new meds – they leave me alone to do my own thing, but always include me. When I get lost almost daily and sometimes more than once daily and call Jimmy, never tiring, he tells me where I am and stays on the phone until I get to Round Lake Park and can find my way. When I am back in Savannah, I love when my phone rings and it’s Jimmy in the middle of the day just to say “hi” and ask if I am okay. I love when he calls me and says “I’m driving over the Sunshine Bridge and I just wanted to call and talk to you while on the bridge”. On Sunday when I was feeling so sad and exhausted, he said “let’s play beauty shop” and spent hours doing my hair to make me feel better. I love when he walks up to me and gives me a hug – and when I ask him “what?” he just says “Nothing”. He breaks my heart and I love him so.

Neil, I love because he loves Jimmy and now that he knows me better, he loves me too. Besides that, he is a hell of a hanging-out partner – there is nobody more fun to go to a gay bar with and he’s funny as hell. I hope he knows how much I value that he accepts me without even having known me before he meet Jimmy. But most importantly, I love him because he loves Jimmy – truly loves him and by association loves the people that Jimmy loves. He mirrors my heart and capacity for love.

Okay, enough for today as there are so many, and the order in which I have written about them does not indicate the order in which I care or recognize anyone’s contribution nor the gratitude I feel for each- but it is just enough for today as I cry as I write remembering all the care I get which seems without warrant and just the thankfulness that I am out of the black hole and have so many people who love me.  Also, everyone is going to have to put up with the Latin expressions weaving in and out of my prose – I know only Loic and Grant appreciate them but the rest of you are just going to have to deal as sometimes there is no other expression that expresses exactly what I want to say.